Many times I wonder- why in the world are we doing this? Why do I seem
to choose the hardest avenues to pursue in life? We are not qualified for this,
we are not good at this, and this life is hard. In America, we could work in
jobs and feel accomplished in our family, our life, and our ministry. Here, we
are like 2 years olds who have to depend on everyone else and especially on God
and can't really accomplish anything.
Our walk by the Danube River
My dad asked me the other day- “So what do y’all do all day?” When I
actually thought about it, it didn’t sound like much. Well, it takes us at least half a day to make a grocery
shopping trip, because we have to make our list, walk to the store down and up
4 sets of stairs to the other side of the highway, search the store to see if
they even have what is on our list, pull out our phones to use google translate
to search the Serbian words to determine what types of food we are looking at
or how to order kilos of meat plus use our kilos/lb conversion app to see how
much we actually want, look at prices and convert in our heads every price of
dinars into dollars to see if we want to purchase the item, check out, then
make the trek back to our home carrying the groceries up and down the stairs,
then go to a green market to buy produce, and then do it all again a few days
later because we can only purchase what we can carry and the foods do not have
preservatives (good thing!) but requires that we shop every few days. Every
normal every day task seems this huge when trying to accomplish it in another
country, from washing clothes to purchasing a pencil. Many times I feel like a
burden to others and so needy and accomplishments=0.
Shopping at the Flea Market
Laundry in Serbia
I am also daily overwhelmed with the burden of darkness that surrounds
me, with feeling like the only Chrst people will see is in me, with the
responsibility of knowing that the only Jsus my kids are going to see and learn
is in me, with learning an extremely difficult language, ect. the list goes on…
but I feel all the pressure is on me. I can’t take my kids to Awana club or
Sunday School and have others pour into them, it has to come from me. I can’t
surround my kids with g0dly influences because they aren’t here, it has to come
from me. I can’t slack on my job or people will not hear the Good News, it has
to come from me.
Our Cubbie group
Then I am reminded that I am but dust and this life definitely proves
that I am dust, but that G0d is the One that does the work. It is refreshing to
be reminded that we can’t. We can’t do anything on our own power. In America, I
often forgot this and tried to do things on my own power and abilities. We need
more than ourselves, we need something/Someone bigger. It can’t come from me
and never will it be able to come from me. I am not enough and I do not have
the strength to be enough.
G0d knew this from the beginning of time. He knew that we couldn’t. We
couldn’t give enough, we couldn’t be kind enough, we couldn’t obey enough, we
couldn’t love enough. He knew we would
never be enough. I am so grateful He came to earth to give us Himself and to
accomplish that which we could not and never would be able to. I am grateful
for the reminder of our desperate need
for Jsus! Whatever place you find yourself in where you are not enough- cling to the One who Is the I AM and know that He is enough.
